On offering support

23 Jun 2024

How do you reach out to sad people?

Very few people will ask for support they don’t think they deserve, even if they are told that they can and should ask for it.

So certain phrases will fall hollow on their ears: “I’m here for whatever you need” will never land. You’ll get a kind and gracious acknowledgement of your offering, and you will never hear from them again.

Being specific reduces the chance they’ll give a conflicted “no”: “Can I help you carry some of those boxes?” is better than “Can I help with that?” is better than “Do you need help?”

If you are on the requisite level of intimacy with them or trust your gut enough, “Let me help you carry those boxes” can be ever better.

Another (counterintuitive) way to get a sad person to connect with you, is asking them for help with something specific that’s both easy and would benefit you (ideas: “come hang out while i clean”, “help me organize my clothes?”, “help me construct some ikea furniture”). By providing them with a chance to help you, you give them a way to justify having social time without having to prove their worth (they’re already providing you with instrumental value). They feel a sense of connection to you: a shared bond has formed.

Summarized:

• If you really want to help, say something more specific than (or in addition to) “I’m here for you whatever you need” or “Can I help at all?”. Do your best to prevent them from having to ask you for the favor. This also shows that you care enough to really pay attention to their problem and what they might be struggling with, proving that your offer isn’t hollow.
• If they’re really stubborn and self-isolating, ask them for help with something relatively accomplishable that you’d like company or assistance with. This can help open up the natural flow of acts of service and favors between the two of you.